This Christmas I remember...my darkest tears.
2 Comments Published by rizumu on Wednesday, December 26, 2007 at 12:38 PM.
I wonder how it must have felt
When David stood to face Goliath on a hill
I imagine that he shook with all his might
Until You took his hand, and held on tight
'Cause You were there, You were there
In the midst of danger's snare
You were there, You were there always
You were there when the hardest fight
Seemed so out of reach
Oh, You were there, You were always there
Seemed so out of reach
Oh, You were there, You were always there
You were always there
So there he stood upon that hill
Abraham with knife in hand was poised to kill
But God in all his sovereignty had bigger plans
Abraham with knife in hand was poised to kill
But God in all his sovereignty had bigger plans
And just in time, You brought a lamb
'Cause You were there,
You were there
You were there
In the midst of the unclear
You were there, you were there
You were there when obedience
Seemed to not make sense
You were there, You were always there
You were always there
You were always there
So haven't I learned that my ways
Aren't as high as Yours are
And You alone keep the universe
From crumbling into dust
You are God and though we would
Not have understood You
There You were
Hanging blameless on a cross
You would rather die than leave us in the dark
Every moment, every planned coincidence
You would rather die than leave us in the dark
Every moment, every planned coincidence
Just all makes sense
With Your last breath
You were there, You were there
During history's darkest hour
During history's darkest hour
You were there, You were there always
You were the Victor and the King
You were the Victor and the King
You were the power in David's swing
You were the calm in Abraham
You are the God who understands
You are the strength when we have none
You are the living, Holy one
You were, You are and You will always be
the Risen Lamb of God
You were, You are and You will always be
The Risen Lamb of God
::Source ~ Avalon - You Were There
I will always remember this Christmas, it'll bring me most tears of sadness, never joy. While everyone celebrates the birth of Jesus - which is our hope and eternal glory, therefore we are now victorious; I fail to see his warmth love in my cold life right now. My eyes are completely filled with utter anger and heavy sadness, times of being alone; I cough out the pain in tears, the potency of this hurt resonates to my overall well being. I am least interested in having my meals and passing my days without reason.
I am angry, extremely angry and continuously hurt. The song above becomes a saving grace? I don't see it. I am asking, "where are you Lord when it all happened? Don't you know, don't you see, is this your idea of a test and relying you on faith? How many more should I endure?"
I wish they die - the foolish man and the snake of woman. Fake snakes!
I could have killed them. Pound them to death but God pulls me aside with reasons I don't comprehend, this is an unfair state and they have gone below the belt. This is my Christmas.
Where my siblings are hurt, my mum is hurt all because of one man, that chair should have been launched into his face. They stopped me and now we're all bruised, they merely protect the family while their very own father who is completely arrogant and full of pride, fails to see the pain he has caused because of his state of drunkeness, is that an excuse? Never!
Never again, will I let him say to my face with a sentence starting with, " My biggest mistake..."
The biggest hurt are never the words, it's the fact that people don't own up to their mistakes and fail to apologize for their wrongs.
I have woken up with my pillow wet and wet eyes, I cried through my rest, my physical body has contracted into grief and pain. I am really so angry and have been asked to sweep it under the carpet.
This Christmas I was cast down and strip for a wrong that I did not commit and never justified.
This Christmas I broke into tears
This Christmas, I was broken.
By my earthly father and a fake snake.
Yet people around me, reminds me, your Spiritual Father knows and loves you.
For someone says this, "God intervening is one thing, but preparing your heart to invite him is a thing that must be pro-actively done too" And this, I simply cannot do right now, I can't. I cannot accept the hurt he has caused over the years.
I am at a serious crossroad of cutting him off simply because I don't want to run down the road to be slap with another, "my biggest mistake..."
And my biggest mistake was to let this happen.
I am so angry that I have not come to the Lord. I can't because I simply don't understand why and how this can continue to happen.
I can't pray about it. I can't do care group expression of burdens.
This is real life, not weekly - please pray for patience and I have a headache bullshit.
I am not even writing for sympathy for this has taken on the eve. I write to remember strongly this very occassion, the moment where the tears have downpoured faster than the shower for the very first time. The moment, where you feel so holed up and no one understands, not even God.
My dad is a foolish man who puts his trust on a woman who is an absolute female snake.
I vow never to be a father like that. Never think just because you have provided financially for your children, you have the very right to own us. There's a whole other dimension of being a father - caring emotionally, supporting your wife and being a listener, money isn't every blasted thing!
I vow never to be a father like that. Never think just because you have provided financially for your children, you have the very right to own us. There's a whole other dimension of being a father - caring emotionally, supporting your wife and being a listener, money isn't every blasted thing!
Fake snake, your days are numbered I tell you. As long as my father is still alive, you are taken care off, I'll cut you off and make sure you'll never stand up again. You have caused enough grief and pain to the entire family. For your sake, I hope you die of cancer and that would be a luxury for you. I have never met such disgusting person before who is so insecure and you can't stand on your own two feet but take credit for everything and become a parasite. You seriously don't even have an ounce of dignity.
I am never going to have rest until this finally rest. This is my life, my war and my game. How am I expect to write scripts of family when the greatest hurts require a great amount of tapping into the past that just absolutely garners the utmost strength that I don't have. Is God using this for his glory, the drive of composite potency to bring fruition that there is still hope? Why do you use me in this way Lord, why have you given me the gift of salvation and realization about heaven and perspective of spiritual realms. I live here today because you have simply changed me so much but Lord I am standing here suffering at your feet and you know, you truly know why! You know that this has been going on for so many years, you have opened our eyes to it. Is it too much to ask, to take your judgment upon them.
Lord, reveal me your ways because I am so clouded right now.
I am broken on Christmas.
Have I missed the miracle myself?
I'm so sorry. I know there's little I can say or do. I mourn with you.
When you feel betrayed and hurt for punishments you don't deserve, remember the cross, and remember that Christ felt betrayed by a father too.
Let me know if you want to IM. Busy with work, so I'm not usually on IM but will go on if you need to talk, okay?
I've been in the same shoes as you. So many questions, yet no answers. Its times like these, we hope that God better knows what He's doing.
When it's all said and done, and then you look back, you realise this: what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.
James 1:2-4
It all comes back to faith.